cannot catagorize the nature of this sickness...

notwithoutfear @ 2008-11-29T23:08:00

2008-11-30T07:08:26Z

new journal thingy:

samsqanch

notwithoutfear @ 2008-11-29T22:33:00

2008-11-30T06:34:16Z

I need a new one of these, one thats a little less bitchy and a lot more reflective and positive.

notwithoutfear @ 2008-11-14T09:10:00

2008-11-14T17:12:19Z

work work work work work. I only have 8 hours to work until I get the weekend off! I can't wait....I wish it was the afternoon already!

notwithoutfear @ 2008-11-12T19:44:00

2008-11-13T03:49:34Z

I love my new job, its so great. I'm learning new things about the animals and when I go to vet tech school I'll be ahead. I can't wait to get my general ed done so I can start the program at foothill. Work is even so good that I don't really care that I am completely exhausted almost everyday and have barely any time for school. but hey, I'm still doing well in school so it's cool....

My birthday is on Sunday and I have no friends. It makes me super sad. Hopefully someday soon I will learn to appreciate the loneliness of my life. At least I have Erik and a few other people to keep me somewhat in touch with reality. If they weren't there my mind would have drowned a long long time ago.

sometimes I feel like I write in this to only to organize the thoughts in my head.

it's long, hot shower time.

good evening.

notwithoutfear @ 2008-10-24T09:33:00

2008-10-24T16:34:08Z

I now work at Holly St Animal Hospital!

fuck fuck fuck fuck

2008-10-21T04:37:30Z

I want everything to end. be over. gone. done. forgotten.

"I'm broken hearted on the floor. my tears seep through the crack under my door. where i am locked in, shut down. i'm so tired of picking myself up off the ground."

notwithoutfear @ 2008-10-18T14:32:00

2008-10-18T21:39:01Z

I just want to scream.

notwithoutfear @ 2008-10-05T23:01:00

2008-10-06T06:05:29Z

the thoughts in my head are ruining my life.
I am no longer fun.
I hate to smile.
I am constantly teary eyed.
I always have a problem with something.
Nothing feels right anymore.
No one makes me feel better.
I fight with my family.
I fight with myself.
and I really really want my relationship to not be so miserable.
all together I am a fucking mess.
and
what am I going to do about it?

I have no fucking idea...

notwithoutfear @ 2008-10-02T00:04:00

2008-10-02T07:05:11Z

can't escape this fatal case of melancholia

notwithoutfear @ 2008-09-23T20:24:00

2008-09-24T03:25:14Z

I am so frustrated with everything I feel like my whole life is just going to break. gah, get me outta here....................................................................................................................please.

mind wanders

2008-09-09T06:53:01Z

I just want to do something completely different.
I think it is needed, what I've been doing lately has not been satisfying and I either need to find a way to work over it or just completely let go of everything.

notwithoutfear @ 2008-08-30T15:49:00

2008-08-30T22:53:20Z

my parents are going to be home soon, I am not ready for that. This time I actually enjoyed the responsibilities and didn't miss them as much as I usually do. I'm thinking that's probably a good thing.

I miss nettie, I haven't seen her in a very long time. shitty.

I plan on going on more adventures, such as:
-garden of eden
-the zoo
-santa cruz beach boardwalk
-the mystery spot
-winchester mystery house
-the beach way more often
-river rafting
-random hotel rooms in random places
-the aquarium!
-hay maze in half moon bay
-more city

and the biggest adventure of them all will be knotts berry farm in October for the halloween shit and getting a hotel room and being super stoked off monsters and mazes.

I still need a job though, I feel stuck.

notwithoutfear @ 2008-08-19T09:15:00

2008-08-19T16:16:29Z

school starts...now!
I wish I could of gone to costa rica with my parents.
I feel slightly off today, like, not exactly myself. uh oh.

more of myself to kill

2008-08-11T18:25:57Z

You have all wept once more... why? I would never ask
for such. Go.
I have realized for once in my existence my true
happiness. This is a first time for me... I feel
innocent, caring, and non-threatening.
Reincarnation for a better life... becoming one with
true harmony. No gods have caressed or burned me, only
nature is willing to comfort me.
Salvation is dead and all of you have passed away with
me today. I will never have to entertain or please any
of you ever again. I am alive.
My memory is the only thing keeping the old tears in
my eyes.
I still know that all of you are taking for the sake
of not leaving. You are killing the innocent for your
so-called nutrition. You are infecting our lands with
your filth. You are killing for the sake of your
promotions in life.
One day we will all be in this soil... with no gods to
slave to, and no heroes to kill for.

-between the buried and me

notwithoutfear @ 2008-08-06T14:58:00

2008-08-06T22:07:26Z

I really wish that I could get over my anxiety.
I hate driving and I wish I was at the beach.
but today is better than yesterday and I guess thats all that really matters.

fuck

2008-08-05T20:41:17Z

love love, kiss kiss
your making me sick, I wish you would stop.

I know thats not really how it goes, but it makes more sense to me like that.
maybe one day he will understand why I feel this way and maybe one day I'll understand why he does what he does. hopefully this day will be soon.

gonna hang out with lauren, yay.
metcalf is closed today and tomorrow, boo.

I really just want to smoke.

jumbled thoughts

2008-08-04T03:34:38Z

school is starting soon, I'm gonna get everything back on track.
I love riding my bike, I feel happy when I am rippin.
no job. so sad.
not very many friends.
sleeping always ends up with bad dreams. waking up doesn't help the feeling go away.
no trust. never have. never will.
which makes me wonder.
I keep thinking of how I want to make everything better, but can't speak.
queasy stomach all the time.
kittens are the worst things in the world.
smoking the brains from my head.
I want love.
I just wanna ride, ride, ride.
I need new music, and new desk and some curtains.
and to tell you the truth, i've lost my faith in you.

notwithoutfear @ 2008-04-30T22:32:00

2008-05-01T05:36:21Z

sometimes all I want to do is leave everyone behind and discover something I really enjoy by myself. sometimes I wish I could rekindle the flame in my heart, but sometimes I feel like I am too far gone for any love to come back.
lots too think about
don't wanna think about it.

notwithoutfear @ 2008-04-08T17:31:00

2008-04-09T00:33:58Z

I looooooove courtner! woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

too many kitties

2007-12-22T05:49:24Z

I don't want to go to work tomorrow! It's going to be hell....20+ cageless cats = mayhem!

no transitory

2007-12-13T19:19:19Z

today and last night has been one big shit blizzard, buy my momma always makes it better. Gotta figure out my finances and pay my father back for the school I fucked up, which will be interesting to say the least. and I have to save money for a fake id...and.....more Christmas gifts for my family and courtner.

"So this is what they call
Another endless night
So tired of believing
If this is wrong or right
I think this cause is lost
I wish that I could sleep
I feel like some kind of shadow
Another slave to the week
Imagine if we lived
Under the weather
We would never be found
Never discovered
If everything goes wrong
If it's one more endless night
You'll know there's always tomorrow "

black saabath

2007-12-08T23:35:32Z

the saabs battery died, its currently sitting at rite aid. siiiickk.
isabelle goes crazy when animosity is on.
sometimes the sleepyness takes over my life.

my life

2007-12-07T01:35:36Z

growin' up, gotta get my act together.
starting now.